Insomnia

For years, I lived with insomnia, not every night, but often enough. I had a theory, picked up in analysis: Dreams are our way of processing the shit that happened during the day that we hadn’t had the time or space to deal with. Sometimes, the overload is more than dreaming can handle, and there I would be, wide awake in the middle of the night, stressing. “Well, you need to process this stuff,” I told myself, “so think about it. A sleepless night won’t kill you.”

Approaching middle age, I wasn’t so sure about that. In my 20’s, I’d been able to play cards all night. I can’t do that anymore. If I don’t sleep, I drag. Fortunately, I’d finally begun to meditate. After thirty years of unfulfilled flirtation with Zen, I was sitting every day, counting my outbreaths, one to ten, starting again. If my mind wondered, when I noticed it, I’d start again. I tried meditating in bed. It should have worked like counting sheep, but it rarely did.

Then I discovered a path. I kept my meditation cushions, next to the bed. Without making a sound, without turning on a light, I could slip out of bed to sit. Half an hour, and then back to bed. Immediately, I would be asleep. It was a miracle, but it didn’t always work. My mind still racing, silently, I’d slip out of bed again, back on my cushion for another half hour of zazen. I didn’t need to try that often, and it always worked.

“But what do I do,” you ask, “if I’m not a meditator?”

Maybe this is the time to start. Zen practice will transform your life. We all need an excuse to start meditating. Insomnia is as good as excuse as any.

Does that sound harsh? Dharma brother, Mui Barragato, was leading a Zen group at a maximum security prison upstate with a group of tough guys who’d done some bad and dangerous things. In our Zen tradition, when a practitioner finds his path in Zen, this is celebrated in a ceremony of taking refuge in the Buddha, Dharma, and Sangha called “Jukai.” Mui offered to give Jukai to his prisoners, and he told them about the preparation. At the core of preparation for Jukai is the study of the Buddhist Precepts. The preparation process is formal and involves a written reflection on each precept. At the end of the meeting, one of the guys stayed behind to talk to Mui. “I would like to take Jukai,” he told Mui, “but I can’t read.”

I was sure Mui would find a work around. That was my liberal way: you respect people’s limitations. Mui surprised me. “I guess this is as good a time as any to learn to read.” Sound harsh? Guess what? This tough guy, who’d probably killed people before turning his life around in prison, learned to read. And he took Jukai.

Want to be able to fall back to sleep? Maybe this is the moment in your life to begin meditation practice.