Can’t Do Enough?

It’s the family caretaker’s dilemma. You can’t do enough. Especially if you find yourself caretaking more than one person. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if the people I’m caring for were satisfied, more than satisfied, pleased, grateful for what I’ve done? “Thank you. You’ve done enough.” Caretaker heaven. Every caretaker’s dream.

Professional caretakers learn to cope with this dilemma. They have to “turn it off” and go home when the shift ends. If they don’t learn, they burn out. Their caretaking days are numbered. Doctors’ offices have the trick down: “If this is a medical emergency, hang-up and dial 911.”

Can we learn from the professionals? I am not a source of instant gratification. Train the person you’re caring for. How about not answering the phone when it rings? Finish what you’re doing first before you call back. Never, ever respond immediately to a text. “If this is a medical emergency, hang-up and call 911.”

I learned some tricks as a psychotherapist. My first step was easy. I didn’t take calls when I was with another patient. The next step, not taking calls while having dinner with Dee, wasn’t so hard either. How about I don’t take calls while I’m eating, period? That was much harder. Learning is gradual. Private practice was hard. Part of what patients were paying for privately was access. I developed my own emergency system. My calls were rarely genuine emergency. “Can we talk about this at our next session?” Patients learned not to call if it wasn’t an emergency. Working inpatient had been so much easier. At the end of the day, I could walk out knowing the evening shift would handle whatever came up.

Working as an administrator taught me about myself. I’m most productive at the beginning of the day. I learned to do my priority tasks first – the meetings, the calls, the reports which hung most heavily, to do the most frightening task first. Returning calls and emails were end-of-the-day tasks. I had my internal clinic phone system: “If this is a genuine emergency, hang-up and call 911.”

Can you do something similar with those you care for? I’m understanding more as I’m getting older. I want Dee to pick up the phone when I call. I know it’s not a genuine emergency, not an emergency at all, but I’m getting older, and I seem to be preparing for my shift to care receiver. I want Dee to pick up the phone, but I can tolerate a text back, “Can I call you later?” So far.

Sure, there are people who deserve your instant response, your constant presence, moms especially, the ones who provided your instant gratification growing up. It sure feels like the time to repay that gift. “Yes, Mom, call me whenever you want.” We’d all love to be cared for that way. But can you sustain it? There are so many sad stories of caretakers – it’s usually a spouse – dying almost immediately, totally burnt out, once their partner is gone. You need to care for yourself too. Caretaking is a marathon, not a sprint.