Getting Rid of Disappointment

We've been talking about ways of working with disappointment, but is there a way of getting rid of disappointment entirely? There is, and it’s kind of simple. It just isn’t easy. We can rid ourselves of disappointment, by dropping all expectations.

It’s wonderful when we find ourselves in the place of no expectations. When we were working toward our first charter school, we held a community meeting at which three architectural firms made presentations about the school they might create for us. At the end of the meeting, one of the audience members introduced herself. She wanted to thank me for what we were doing (although it didn’t seem to me that we’d done anything yet). She was the mother of a special needs kid, and she explained, every time she tried to get some service for her daughter the City Education Department put more obstacles in her way. When faced with the possibility that we might yet again have our charter application turned down, I was asked what we’d do. I thought of that mother: If she could keep going, I could keep going.

Putting one foot in front of the other, without expectations, I was discovering something extraordinary. Our charter school project had grown out of a bigger initiative to level the playing field for people living with mental illnesses. Even as we struggled to get out first charter, community leaders and elected officials were getting behind the initiative. The charter initiative was garnering more awareness of the stigma and discrimination which people with mental illnesses faced  than any of our previous efforts. What was there to be disappointed about?

I was learning the same lesson as a Zen student. Almost a decade earlier, Bernie had made me a Dharma Holder, indicating that he expected, at some time in the future, to make me a Zen teacher. It just didn’t seem to be happening. Was it ever going to happen? I was disappointed. It was then that I let go of the expectation. Maybe I was never going to get transmission. Maybe I’d never be a sensei. I’d be the best Dharma Holder I could be. It saw it then, the way beyond disappointment. What a joy it is, going forward without expectations and seeing where the Universe takes me. I can feel myself breathing. It’s the way to live. I don’t know where my life is taking me. I never have. I am not steering the ship. I am going for a ride. I may be the onscreen talent in the movie of my life, but I am not the script writer and I am not the director.

It feels so good to be in that place of discovery, so much more joyful than riding waves of disappointment. Do you think having seen this that I now live my life free of expectations, free of disappointments? Unfortunately not. I’m still learning. I get caught up in expectations again and again. Some are trivial. I thought we were leaving at 11:30. I’m ready to go, but Dee isn’t ready yet. Disappointment, upsetness. Some not so trivial. Why did I think that the results of the latest MRI would be negative? How could I forget again? Life is an adventure. Life is discovery. Why am I learning this lesson again and again? Or, how wonderful to learn it again!