Smile, Ken

My 83^rd birthday was approaching when I noticed that I wasn’t smiling. At least not as much. I was surprised at first. Smiling’s the practice I resisted. Hokey. Bogus. Smiling was Thich Nhat Hanh’s idea. Reminded me of the elementary school cliches. “Smile and the world smiles with you.”  “Let a smile be your umbrella.” “When you walk through a storm.” Thay said, “Smile,” and I said, “Bullshit.” No way I was going to sit on my cushion smiling. I was intense about righting social wrongs. Fighting injustice was my birthright. I was angry. I got a lot of mileage out of Angry Buddha.

What a surprise, almost ten years after blowing off Thay’s instruction, at my first retirement party, as I set out to see where my peacemaker path would take me, a psychiatrist – who I was sure had never liked me – told me how much she’d miss me: “When things were toughest, you were always smiling.”

Thay was laughing. As much as I’d resisted his teaching, zazen had done its work. I was smiling. Once my smile was pointed it out I sensed it all the time. I could feel myself smiling on my cushion. Even when things were bad, I’d do my version of Pema Chodron’s tonglen practice, breathing in pain or sorrow, breathing out joy or love. On my outbreath, I would feel the smile. I was always smiling. Until I wasn’t.

Doing my morning sit on zoom, I notice I’m not smiling. I’m been making excuses: getting older, so many doctors’ appointments, getting slower. Grumpy Buddha. What the hell? Grumpy Buddha is still Buddha.

Thay is sitting next to me this morning, “Smile,” and I recall the Covid maxim, “I wear my mask to protect you; you wear your mask to protect me.” A fresh paraphrase: “I smile to support you; you smile to support me.”

I it see now. I’ve been getting defensive about Grumpy Buddha. “That’s just who I am. I don’t have to act happy all the time.” Dharma Grandpa, Maezumi Roshi said, “Appreciate your life.” I remember that and I smile. I am living through slowing down. I am living through surgeries and doctors’ appointments. I am having time with Dee and Morri which I hadn’t ever expected: my dad died in his 60’s.

Why am I being such a grump? Because I’m entitled somehow to be grumpy after so many years of joy? Why bring everyone around me down? Because I’ve earned the right?

Weird. I’m smiling. My life is such a gift. I am so grateful. My mom used to say, “You get old or you die.” She kept living, almost thirty years longer than my dad. Why am I smiling? Because I am so happy to be here with you, so grateful. What’s not smile about it?