Thank You Practice

Last week when I was working on my Thanksgiving blog, I was reminded of how wonderful thank-you practice can be. It brought me back to my grand jury experience, my first and probably my last time on a grand jury: I think I’ve aged out of jury duty. I picked up this thank-you practice from my fellow jurors. We were on duty, as I recall, three days a week for a month. Although there was also a lot of downtime between cases for charter school paperwork, we heard case after case, mostly presentations by assistant DA’s and testimony from arresting officers. Only once did an accused person testify on his own behalf, and we dismissed the charges against him. Saving your defense for trial seems to be lawyer wisdom.

I’d come of age during the cops-are-pigs, anti-war era so it sounded strange to hear my voice join a few others as an officer exited the grand jury room: “Thank you for your service.” Did I really mean it? It reminded me, kind of, of those days in the zendo chanting, “I am the Buddhas and they are me,” thinking, does anyone really believe what we’re chanting? It was years before I heard myself mean it: “I am the Buddhas and they are me.”

A young woman officer testifies, a teeny, little five-foot nothing. Working undercover, she fingered a drug-buy sting. Could have been killed. Someone’s daughter for sure. Could she be my daughter? “Thank you for the service.” I felt it. I meant it. Completely. It just happened. What had started out perhaps as unnecessary politeness – not all grand jurors were thanking the exiting cops – had become gratitude.

Being polite is one thing. Probably everybody’s mother – certainly in my generation – felt a responsibility to teach their children manners. I was a hard case. I’m good on “sorry,” not so good on “please” and “thank you.”

I’ve been working on thank you. I’m not talking about being polite. Being polite is a burden, a responsibility, an obligation. Okay, Mom, are you satisfied? Gratitude is wonderful. I’m never more alive than when I am gratitude. I and all sentient beings – to paraphrase the Buddha – are grateful in the same moment. I know when I get it. The person I’m talking to feels the gratitude. I can see it. We both feel the gratitude. Why is thank you still sometimes a struggle? I’m battling my conditioning. My politeness training seems to get in the way of gratitude.

In the supermarket, I use the self-check-out. As I’m walking out, I say “Have a good day,” to the woman supervising that check-out space. Sometimes, I’m just being nice (a form of politeness). Sometimes, I’m grateful. For everything. For the food I’m taking home. For the supermarket. For the people who produced the food. For the people who put the food on the shelves. I feel the difference. Gratitude is wonderful. I’m getting it more often, but I’m still a work in progress.