What Do I Call You?

When we set out to make peace, we need to bring the other to the table. That’s the first challenge. And often the next question is, “What do I call the other?” It might help to know how the others refer to themselves. But words keep changing. Yesterday’s word may no longer be correct.

When I was kid, it was politically correct to refer to “colored people.” The leading civil rights organization was the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People. Then it became correct to refer to the same people as “Negros” not “colored.” Then that became incorrect. “Black” was correct. Now, it seems, “color” is okay again. Is “People of color” still be in vogue?

When we were building our network of charter schools, we faced a similar challenge. The schools grew out of The Verrazano Foundation which had the mission of “levelling the playing field for people living with mental illness.” One of the people in recovery I was close to corrected me: “People living with mental illnesses.” Not all mental illnesses are the same.

I brought this teaching with me to the charter school work. We would level the playing field for students living with mental illnesses. We met with young people who had survived the New York City special education system. They offered a lot of good advice, and they didn’t like “students with mental illnesses.” They wanted “students living with emotional challenges,” and that was we went with.

Whether you’re offering a school alternative to kids (and their parents) or a peacemaking council for adults, how you refer to the “other” – whichever side of the chasm you’re coming from – is a challenge. It’s easy to get so frightened of getting it wrong that you can’t move forward. What I’ve learned is to take my best shot. On my first try, I’ll probably get it “wrong,” and someone will tell me. Maybe that’s where the dialogue begins. If I’m going in to learn, it’s all good. If I’m right all the time, how will I ever learn.