Why Worry?

I hate worrying. For years, many of my worries were work challenges, which always seemed to hang over me. One work life solution was, “Do it now.” Facing a crisis in our schools, my go-to was, “Let’s meet now.” To schedule the meeting for next week meant worry for a week. Meet now. Come up with a plan. Do it. Now. No worry.

I had another work trick, for the worries that sat on my to-do list – the nagging worries that could sit there for weeks –poking at me as I tried to fall asleep. I solved that one with “crossing off.” If I haven’t gotten to something in a couple of days, I’m probably not going to. Cross it off the list. It’s probably not that important. If it is, it’ll get on the list again. No worries.

My third anti-worry trick, I call “getting vertical.” First-thing-in-the-morning worries can be paralyzing. Don’t lie in bed worrying. Get up. Get going. What seemed so terrifying in bed was less frightening once I was moving around the room.

Enjoying the luxury of retirement, I’ve expanded my repertoire of anti-worry tricks. I’ve gotten into news avoidance. It hasn’t been without some guilt and self-recrimination, but if I’m really retired, if I’m not getting out into the political arena, if I’m not getting out there to organize, to do something about it, whatever it is, the news – almost always bad – is just a source of worry. What good does it do me?  Avoid the news and I avoid a lot of worry.

And still I worry. Can you believe that? In retirement, I’ve found other things to worry about. Most of the people I’m closest to are getting old, even if they don’t admit it. When I don’t hear from one of them for a while, I worry. Well, I always worried, but now my underlying fear has changed. Instead of worrying if I’d that I’d said something to offend –  “Are you angry at me?” – it’s a different fear. Our doctors are coming after us. How much time do we have? So I text, “Just let me know that you’re okay.”

Worrying about someone I love last week took me to a different place. The worry came up on my cushion. What is this worry? It’s a story, Ken, a story you’re making up. Can I let go of the story and just stay with the feeling? I’ve been getting better at doing that, letting go of my stories, staying with my feelings. It’s like staying with the colors without the shapes, without imposing pictures on the moment, not easy for me but with practice I’ve gotten better. Last week, I got deeper quickly. Behind my worry about my friend’s health was the fear of not having a person I love in my life, fear of the hole their absence will leave.

Now what? How do I work with the bright orange of this fear? Stay tuned, and I’ll share my “secret.”