Words Count

Pay attention. Words can cause suffering.

How this contrasts with the playground wisdom of my elementary school teachers: “Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never harm me.” It wasn’t my father’s wisdom. I grew up on his stories of Halifax antisemitism, the bullying and the heartbreak. Hate speech leads to hate acts, to pogroms and lynching. “Fascism is always just around the corner,” my mom said, but as a kid I couldn’t quite picture fascism. Lynching was different. Emmett Till was real and terrifying.

Dad’s teaching was clear. Don’t let hate speech slide. If you hear something, say something. The way my dad taught it, if a bully hits you, hit him back. Hit him as hard as you can. It doesn’t matter if you get the shit kicked out of you. Hit him hard. If you hurt him, he’ll think twice about picking on you again. I was never a fighter, but I was good with words. I could hurt you with my words. I was proud to stand up against injustice.

Maybe I was too good with words. Maybe I got carried away with tell it like it is. Maybe my version of the teaching was, “If you hear bullshit, say ‘bullshit.’” I didn’t change many hearts or minds. No one ever told me, “Thank you for pointing out my bullshit.”

Dick Auerswald, at the time I met him, was the head of Behavioral Health at Gouverneur Hospital. His office in one of old towers had curved windows and overlooked the East River. I was looking for a job. I wanted to learn more family therapy, and Dick was a star. He was the first person in a job interview to ask me about my weaknesses. It was a great question, and I used it myself for the rest of my career.

“I get into trouble. When I hear bullshit, I say ‘bullshit.’”

“Instead of saying, ‘bullshit,’ say ‘fantastic.’”

I had to laugh. This is never going to work for me, I thought. When I say “fantastic,” everyone will know I’m thinking “bullshit.” But I gave it a try at the next South Beach Executive Council meeting. I was amazed. Colleagues who I was sure hated me came up to me afterwards to tell me how much they appreciated my contribution to the meeting.

I never got to work with Dick. He left Gouverneur for the University of Hawaii before I got any further in the hiring process, but I still remember that interview.

Words matter, and the words you use in talking to yourself are even more important than the words you use in talking to others. We’ll get to those words Thursday.