Intoxicating Games

There are intoxicants other than alcohol and drugs, other ways of dulling our minds, of trying to contain our stress. Wine is not my only intoxicant. There’s also my phone games, Wordle and sudoku and something called “Zen Word.” I’ve been telling myself that these are harmless “tools” to break the tension and give my mind a rest. Recently, I started telling myself that they have additional health benefits: they ward off dementia. My gaming increased when my neurologist started sending me for PET scans. Although the tests were negative, my gaming continued to increase.

What got my attention were pains in my hands and elbows. These had to be a result of the repetitive game-playing muscle contractions. I was afraid that I could be damaging my elbows, arms, and hands with these repeated movements. Was I doing irreparable damage? It was obvious. I’d become addicted to my games. Too many hours on the phone. I had to stop. I got scared and I made a decision and I quit. I stopped the game playing as I was tackling my dinner wine habit, but I did it so differently. My phone games I quit cold turkey. With my wine habit, I didn’t “quit.” Each evening at dinner, I’m making a decision. Will I have a glass of wine?

I call the way I’m working with my phone games “white knuckle Zen.” You get the picture. I’m hanging on so tight, you can see the white of my knuckles. It’s the way I ride a Ferris wheel (which I don’t do very often). My dinner wine is a wonderful mindfulness practice, just being present in the moment. Why didn’t I approach my games the same way? Because I don’t trust my ability myself with the games. I think I can have a sip of wine one night without falling off the wagon, but I’m afraid that if I play one game, the craving will only increase. I'm afraid I can't take a taste without being sucked into hours on the phone. There was a time when I was younger when I needed a drink to face many social situations. I don’t “need” the wine anymore. There’s a different insecurity lurking behind the phone games. I’m white knuckling and I’m distracting  with alternative behaviors – reading more, writing more, going for longer walks –  because there’s a demon here who I don’t want to face. Who is he? What does he want? What does he need?

I have more work to do with my game addiction. In my craving and my fear, I have an opportunity. Zen practice is about mindfulness. It’s not about habit. As a beginning Zen student, I was told that morning meditation should be like brushing your teeth. As a beginning teacher, I repeated that advice. Now I’d say, “I hope not.” What was I envisioning, that the practice of meditation should become a compulsion? Not having wine is not a habit. It’s a mindful act. I’m happy about that.

I want abstaining from games to be a mindful practice too, but I am glad I stopped gaming cold turkey. I needed to stop. While I’m substituting alternative behaviors, I have a chance now to see where this addiction is pointing, an opportunity to befriend this demon and to make him an ally. What I am trying to avoid?  Am I ready to face this demon?

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