Up a Tree Without a Paddle?

Between a rock and a hard place? We’ve all been there. What do you do? There’s a Zen koan which really ups the ante: You’re a Zen teacher and you’re up in a tree, hanging from a branch with your teeth. You can’t reach a branch with your hands or feet. A student appears below and asks, “What is the meaning of Bodhidharma’s coming from the West?”  Scary situation? Some koans are even scarier. Sometimes there are lions or wolves at the bottom of the tree waiting to devour me if I open my mouth to call for help or answer the question. Zen master Kyogen underscores my dilemma, “If you do not answer you evade your responsibility. If you do answer you lose your life. What do you do?”

Another teacher described this as a “damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don’t” dilemma. Most of us get tangled in this koan, trying to figure a way out. Eventually, we pass by giving up on the figuring-out, just acting. That was my lesson in many koans. Stop trying to figure it out, no way of knowing. There are no rational solutions to many quandaries of life.

This morning, it was all a dream. I recognized the nightmare. I feel it. I am the Zen teacher up the tree. I don’t have any idea why Bodhidharma came from the West. What do I do? I am trying to wake up, but Kyogen is scaring me. When I manage to get my eyes open, I am not up a tree. I the tree is gone. Kyogen is gone too. He was part of the dream. It was a nightmare. “Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.” Trapped. No way out. My eyes are open now. Wow. Why not, “Blessed if you do, blessed if you don’t”?

In that moment, my conditioning is so clear, so engrained, my fear of making a mistake. I keep putting this fear behind me. That was part of my leadership “secret sauce” as we built our charter school network. We make mistakes, and we learn from them. If you’re not making mistakes, you’re not learning, not growing.

I think I’m over it and still the fear is there. What happens if I’m wrong? Will I be devoured by wolves? There’s trauma buried there. “If you get it wrong, Kenny, you’ll die.” Who planted that seed? No memories come up, but I can feel the traces of conditioning, the fear of the big mistake. I hate my fear. More conditioning. Is it the same voice telling me not to be frightened that told me not to get it wrong? I don’t recognize the voice.

How about, “Blessed if you do, blessed if you don’t”? Either way, I’m going to learn something. But what about if you’re really hanging from a tree? What if I’m not? I’m 83 years old. I’ve faced a whole lot of dilemmas. When I’ve opened my eyes, I’ve never actually been hanging from a tree. Kyogen was just trying to scare me.

Sometimes I thought I had the situation figured out. Sometimes I didn’t. Sometimes it was just a crap shoot. Sometimes, afterwards, I breathed a sigh of relief. It looked like I’d guessed right. Often, I’ve thought, “This is not at all what I expected.” Sometimes the outcome was more beautiful than I could have imagined. Always, I learned. What a blessing.