This is my first experiment with the I Ching way of koan study. I had this idea a few weeks ago. I’m just getting around to trying it.
When you work with the I Ching, you begin by asking a question. When I was doing this practice every day, I kept a journal, and I wrote my questions in the journal. Then I would throw the pennies and consult the Sage. The more sincere the question, the more helpful the Sage.
Today I asked, “What do I do about growing old?” It’s the question I’ve been asking myself all year. There’s nothing like four surgeries in four months to make me appreciate the fragility of my body. In my experiment, instead of throwing pennies, I open The Book of Equanimity. This is the third of the four koan collections which we studied, a practice which Bernie passed on to Roshi Bob Kennedy and which Bob did with me. I was in Staten Island. Bernie was in California. He tried koan study by email briefly and then sent me to Bob. Bob worked with me in the same way that Bernie had worked with him. As I worked my way through the four collections, The Book of Equanimity was the one which seemed to touch me least. It seemed, therefore, the perfect collection for my synchronicity experiment. I am using Roshi Gerry Wick’s new translation now. I open the book randomly to Case 48.
The Universe is present. In my experiment with synchronicity, who should appear as the hero of my randomly selected koan? Vimalakirti, perhaps the most venerated of lay people in the Buddhist pantheon. He’s one of my heroes.
I identify with lay teachers although in a technical sense, I am not a layperson. I ordained, went through the whole process from Tokudo, the famous head-shaving, home-leaving ceremony, all the way through Denkai, the final step on the priest-empowerment path. But I never left home. I’m married. Dee and I have a daughter. Until recently, I had a job. I always had major commitments and responsibilities beyond the zendo. In these other roles I am practicing Zen, but I didn’t leave home. Almost all of us who practice Zen in America are lay people whether or not we’ve ordained. We’re householders, and yet the ancients most often venerated in Zen are the homeleavers. The heroes of the koans are almost always homeleavers. The Vimalakirtis and the Layman Pangs are the exceptions. When I open The Book of Equanimity and Vimalakirti appears, I know the Universe is talking to me.
There’s more synchronicity. This koan is taken from the climax of the Vimalakirti Sutra. The plot of this sutra couldn’t be more perfectly tuned to this moment in my life. As the story begins, Vimalakirti is old. He’s been ill. The Buddha is sending Bodhisattvas to check on him. In asking about growing old, I am asking about my body growing old. I am not worrying about the chronological passage of time. I’ve had four surgeries this winter. As I roll the dice of synchronicity, I am worrying about my recovery from surgery and I am worrying about what surgery is next, about the bumps and bruises yet to come. I am worrying that these last six months have not been an episode but the beginning of the rest of my life.
“How does a Bodhisattva enter the non-dual gate?” That’s the question which Manjushri Bodhisattva asks as the koan begins. As I worked my way through our collections of koans with Roshi Bob, some made deep impressions. Some I have continued to work with, coming back to them over and over again. I’m sure I was glad to see Vimalakirti, but my time with this koan left no trace. I have no recollection of how I understood that question, but today the koan speaks to me. “What do I do about growing old?” My question provides a context in which the koan makes so much sense. Old? What is old? There is no old if there is nothing to compare it to. How do I live with getting old? Enter the non-dual gate.
When Manjushri asks Vimalakirti the question, the layperson remains silent.
How do I work with getting old? I’m smiling. Is silence an answer? Can I stop comparing my life at this moment with my life in other moments? It is hard not to keep comparing my body today with my younger body.
My friend Jill Patel is recovering from knee replacement surgery. This is her second knee replacement. She commented to her husband, Pankaj, that recovery seems to be going more slowly this time. Pankaj reminded her that when she had her first knee replacement, she was 14 years younger. Jill and I laughed when she told me that story.
How do I work with Vimalakirti’s silence? Can I just notice what I’m feeling without making a comparison either with the body of the past or with the body that I’m afraid is awaiting me in the future. Comparisons, duality, will intrude. Bernie taught that these intrusions of dual thinking are inevitable. That, he said, is the nature of our human brains.
But can I notice the comparisons as they arise and let them go? Can I appreciate my life as Maezumi Roshi so often urged? Can I just sit in Vimalakirti’s silence and let the comparisons float off. It takes practice to stop the comparisons, but I feel the difference almost immediately. I can feel it in my walking. I can feel it in my writing. I am feeling a lightness, and Dee says I’m smiling more.
And I am noticing something else. When I worked the koans with Bob, I was always looking to turn the page. I worked a koan in order to get to the next koan. Maybe that mindset was built into our way of working, tackling the koan books in prescribed order, working through the koans of each book in the order in which they’d been compiled.
There is no order in my I Ching way of approaching koans, and I am having a different experience. Right now, I have no inclination to go on. Vimalakirti has pointed me in a direction which is not “on to the next koan.” He is pointing me to work with my older-younger comparisons. I am staying with this work. My dualistic mind will begin to make the comparisons. Can I notice them and let them go?
Despite my years of practice with the I Ching, I’m awed by the synchronicity which I’m experiencing. I asked the question which has been more on my mind than any other now for months, randomly opened my least favorite koan collection, and the Universe answered, right on target, with relevant guidance.
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